expressing our humanity
added Sunday, April 20, 2008how do we express our humanity? does the way we express it change the way we live?
i started to watch the wire in this past week. i love it. it is a window into how people express their humanity, their passions, their pain, etc. do they let distractions, like addictions, fears, confusion and environment, get in they way of that is they core. which of these characters know their core, their truth, their home? why? why not? what stops us from reaching our home, our truth our core? can we be happy not tearing off those layers that do not let us see the way clearly or can we numb ourselves to be ok not reaching home?
since my grandfather died friday, 11 april, 2008 i have been feeling lost and confused. what is my truth? my home? my core? i know that when i sit in front of the women at the house of ruth and teach them to breath, how to sit up with out using their hands, i am home. when i sit in at flow yoga center for class or to work at the front desk, i am home. there is no where else i need to be. there is no questions. when i read about physiology and it is so clear to me how vitamins work in our body or what minerals contribute to make our muscles contract and expand. i am home.
yet, i let distractions take me away from these places of clarity, and peace. why is that i do not grasp these places in difficult moments even more?
i guess this is the way i express my humanity.
Labels: philosophizing, the wire
vacation day 3
added Tuesday, March 11, 2008so yesterday did not end up as wonderful as i hoped. my new roommate decided to show up in our room at at 10:45pm take her medication, unpack, and get ready for bed. i was already trying to sleep. it did not work with all the lights on and all he noise she was making. then at 3:20am i wake up to the sound of deafening snoring. i stayed in bed trying to breath through it and fall back asleep for an hour. it did not work. at 4:20 am, i just decided to get up and get ready for the day. i did a lot this morning, so that was nice. when i went back to the room after am yoga class and breakfast, the roommate was just getting up after her restful sleep and asked me if she had snored a lot... i told her it was pretty bad and i was awake from 3:20am. she apologized... i though how about getting your own room. i went to my program class keeping the breath in mind. it was an interesting class. we shared on a situation that creates a chronic negative reaction. it was interesting to see everyone's reaction. at the same time i realized how young i must look to everyone in the class and how unimportant my situation is to them. i also thought how much i talk and how i probably say silly things. at the same time i realize that i am being overly critical of myself. also, i am here to learn and i know how that happens for me.
so, today i decided to have an ayuverdic consultation. i was told i am a pitta vatta type and that my dharma is in my throat chakra. where i have my block due to my quitting smoking and that my objective in life is speaking my truth. which is interesting considering what ingrid told me yesterday matches what the consultation brought up.
by the end of the day i managed to get into a new room. a small 2 bed room. as i was unpacking i felt this enormous depression i was trying to control. that somehow i was less worthy. that i did not count because i had to move from the original room. i actually earlier in the day told the registration desk that there was no way i could stay in that room or pay for another room. that my snoring is minor and i cannot sleep at all in my original room and needed either a new roommate, or to be moved. they chose to relocate me to another room where i do not have to pay any extra money, but i might have to move again tomorrow. i made the definition of my boundaries, yet i felt powerless. i found this interesting.
well, it is time for me to sleep. i am exhausted.
vacation day 2
added Monday, March 10, 2008on vacation day 1, i did not manage to figure out that i can not get internet access unless i am in the coffee shop. so, i will have to do the entry now.
i left for kripalu yesterday at 3:55am. ron dropped me off at bwi on his way bak to philly. i had packed lightly (i hate to put anything in check in, so i only take my computer bag and a rolling suitcase a little smaller than the usual required size) ron reminded me that it was my vacation and that i should not think about work or smoking and kissed good bye.
my flight was super cheap so i had to change flights once in cincinnati after 3 hours of waiting. that was no trouble considering that my flight leaving bwi was 45 minutes late and it took me a little time figuring out how to get to the shuttle to my gate. i also discovered that the cincinnati airport has a smoking room on every gate. so, i figured i still had my pack and would have a few cigarettes until i had to leave... well, i nearly missed my flight for that last cigarette. by that time i had convinced myself that it would be ok if i kept the pack a smoked a few at kripalu in secret... no one will know! those deceptive plans were thwarted when i look at my watch and i had to run to the gate in less than a minute before my flight left me... somewhere between the smoking loungue and the gate (a few feet a part) i dropped some earrings and my pack of cigarettes. a very nice girl caught up with me and gave me my earrings, but no one returned my half empty pack of cigarettes... i figure it was fate making sure i did not cheat myself. So, since 10:55am yesterday i have not had a single cigarette. it is not as bad as it sounds, i have been taking chantix, which has brought down my cravings.
so i arrived at kripalu at 2:25pm, went into my dormroom expecting to find at least one roommate, but no one was there. i explored a little and at 4:15 i went to a gentle yoga class. after that i headed to a delicious vegetarian dinner and then to my first meeting in the program: letting go of stress (lgos). i think i am the youngest person there, but still it has been amazing. after sharing what brought us there, i felt very self couscous and vulnerable. specially because i did not say what i had planned to say. instead, the painful past came up, although i thought it was past and done. i guess, i still need to work through it. by 10:30 i was asleep in my bed.
day 2
i woke up at 8am and was not ready until 8:40 to get into the class for lgos. so, i was late and still could have slept some more. we meet in the mornings from 8:30 to 11:45am. my body ached and i missed cigarettes some. still, getting in the class felt right. i was present and enjoyed it. one of the things ingrid said that struck a cord with me was the "disappear is a signal that you are going into a pattern of self-abuse" it is like your soul is telling you that you are not taking care of yourself in a consistent basis. she also spoke about cultivating physical and mental calm and emotional balance thought the breath. she pointed out that the breath provides metal clarity, releases muscle tension and allow us to let go of intense emotions. it was great to hear all put together this way.
that morning we also did a meditation exercise where we moved to our breath and then with a partner we lead the other in movement. i paired up with alan, a middle aged man sitting next to me. to be honest i was a little apprehensive at first: a stranger and a man... scary... then i thought i would just surrender to the experience and see what it brought up for me. it surprised me. when i moved to my breath i was able to listen to my body breath and move. it worked great. working with alan, again i was surprised. we worked great together, we kept our movements simple and graceful and similar to tai chi which allowed us to concentrate on our breaths. we were able to allow each other to lead with out any conflict or communication. and i was even surprised that it felt confronting that at one point we just stopped moving and held hands and it felt completely natural. nothing else was required... we had the flow... i was glad to find out that he felt the same and wanted that same flow feeling to translate into his life.
at 12:30pm i met with ingrid again for a craniosacral therapy session. it was great. i came out feeling amazing and relaxed. she also helped me figure out my blocks and how they are translating into my body. mainly my anger and resentment are in my chest, making my shoulders tight and my resentment is held in my gallbladder making my hips tight. when i react emotionally (anger and resentment) i clench my core, specially the muscle in my hips. she also taught me how to retrain myself to use other muscles in that area and help me release them so my sacrum goes back to alignment. She also spoke about how important my freedom was to me and how i neglect that by not creating clear boundaries and saying i will do something when i do not want to, and my soul rebels... so true... she also told me that i am very insightful about my situations and life, but i have a hard time putting it into practice. that i need to make a break and start make clear steps for respecting my space and needs. that obviously what i have been doing was not enough.
well, it was great to hear all this. it also gave me an idea of where i want to go with the program and what i want to concentrate in. so after our 1:45 to 3:45pm meeting i decided to listen to myself. i headed again to the gentle yoga class, then i went to eat dinner in the silent room. i needed some me time. after all that sharing about our experience with the partner meditation, i needed to recharge. so, after dinner i headed to one of the livingrooms and i read there for an hour and a half while i sipped some tea. i skipped the drum circle group at 7:30pm. i really wanted to sit and write about my experience. i am also thinking about taking a shower tonight and waking up early and heading for the 6:30am gentle yoga class and hopefully, i will find some time tomorrow to upload some pictures into flickr and get a link in here...
i feel at peace...
water
added Monday, February 25, 2008I don't know what troubles you, but I just wanted to let you know that just doing something is better than nothing at all. Just remember, where you have been does not have to determine where you are going. Sometimes all it takes is to let go. Trust me. (Such a cliche, you don't even know me...) I know. I do enjoy your honesty and sincerety. I share the same high expectations and harshness you put on yourself. I place them on myself. What I find is that it has just held me back. I am still working on moving past that. It's often easier said than done. Good luck with your schooling. It took me 10 long years to get my bachelors. I finished but it left me burnt out and with yet another battle. =] Another story for another day. Take care.
Fats Domeeno | 06.24.07 - 1:40 am | #
that was the last comment from fats domeeno. he or she has had pretty right on comments, and even ask that i fix my links to be able to view my previous entries. in some way fats domeeno strikes a cord in her/his comments. what troubles me? do i seem that troubled? maybe i do. i do not what it is that possesses me to only write of my struggles with my practice and life in such a public forum. the truth is that i feel that most good things in the past 10 years i have made them happen. and the process has been like pulling teeth. i can finally admit with certainty that i put a lot of resistance. there is this part of me that resists change and resists authority and facing the unknown with such anger to the point of putting my life to a standstill. i got to see it last week. i could not feel the ground under my feet. i felt like i was under a crashing wave and i had no clue which way was up. today, i think i am closer to the surface. i am letting the tide take me where it needs to go and i am doing a little pedaling where i need to get me to air. my problem is knowing when to stop pedaling and finding the balance on when and what it is ok to let go and when and what i need to keep a grip on.
how did i figure this out? a weekend of a lot of silence, good night sleep, hourly breathing and meditation, small yoga practices through out the day. today is really when i have felt truly centered. this morning i woke up and practiced yoga for 15 minutes and topped it with a 5 minute meditation. had a healthy breakfast and ate my five meals. at 6 i was at the gym for a 25 minute run. i got home feeling a great sense of peace and finally my bad cold starting to recede. i got home and ate a protein filled tortilla with scrambled eggs, cheese, spinach and tomatoes.... yummy! i can say that tonight i feel fulfilled. my issues at work are not gone. i still have to decide how i am going to deal with it, but i know that the decision does not need to be made now. the more centered and grounded i am the easier the answer will come. i even think i already know the gut answer, i just want to give it some time.
i want to be yoga, the eight limbs, and i find i am very good at creating more own pain and suffering. i know yoga is my home, but i am most familiar with the suffering.
a visit to kripalu
added Sunday, February 10, 2008this week i bought my plane ticket and registered to go to a workshop in kripalu. i am so excited! i am also nervous. i have been thinking about going for the past couple of months, but now it is set. part of the reason for me to go is so i will be in a completely different place, with a different routine so i can finally quit smoking. also, they had a great workshop during my spring break that i think would be perfect for my intention for the trip. it is titled "let go of stress." which, like i said, is perfect, since in my previous attempts at quitting smoking not having alternative methods to deal with my self-imposed stress have taken me back to the cigarettes. i have been smoking for so long and actually felt trapped by the feeling of not being able to quit that i know it is going to be tough to quit again. i am hoping that this time will be it.
other than that i am house and pet sitting for my parents. they have 2 beautiful dogs, 2 amazing cats and decided to take in my birds when i was going to put them up for adoption. so, i am taking care of them for the next couple of days while my parents are enjoying the sun in st thomas. i was a little bummed i was going to leave my place, my routine, projects and cancel a couple of meetings with friends for a the days i am here, but decided to look at it in another light. instead, i will take this time to reassess my huge list of projects, relax and catch up on school and yoga studying. so far it has worked great.
here is a picture of baby ari (he is 6 months old) being curious about the noises that come out of the camera and a picture of sasha (she is 3 years old) being a sleepy head in middle of day:
Labels: kripalu
back again
added Monday, January 14, 2008it has been a while since i have written, but i would like to start to write again.
i can never think of the what to write and not be boring. so, i am going to write about what i have been doing and i guess, little by little, i will develop a style for this blog.
right now i have been working on refocusing and organizing my life in a somewhat new focus. it is like always, it is becoming healthier, improving my yoga practice, continuing with my goals in school (and refining them), start seriously looking into teaching yoga and actually creating a rhythm in my life that i can consistently keep. i usually go full speed and then i completely drain myself. instead of looking at everything i am doing as a marathon (the big picture), i look at my projects and activities as a sprint (focus on what is right in front of me). so, this time around, i am trying to create a rhythm. just setting it up has been a struggle between marathon and sprint. lately, the sprint seems the only thing i can do. if i just try to give myself a more balanced use of energy, like take each project in small chucks through out the day i end up getting distracted very easily and lose focus. i keep putting the hardest things for later and at other times pushing myself too much.
i tell myself it is practice. life is practice. the more i realize this and shift my energy, center and focus on the long term goal, the closer i will get to where i want to be.
pictures
added Monday, June 18, 2007i forgot to post these pictures my dad took after i taught my class. they are my favorite pictures in a while:
Labels: pictures, teacher training
a new start
added Thursday, June 14, 2007i know it has been a while since i made an entry and it is already late tonight... past my bed time, but i need to start writing again. i have not written here and not even on my paper journal. i have made some pretty big changes in my life in the past month and a half: i quit smoking in early may, at the end of may my therapist and i ended my five year treatment because i am better, i have been going at least to 3 yoga classes, 1 pilates and 1 meditation a week (except for this week, i need to ground myself another way), i decided to get my associate degree in the next 12 months, finish up what ever i have left to take in the next 2 months for my teacher training and in 2008 i have decided to ask university of maryland to let me back in, block part of my transcript due to special circumstances and let me retake 8 courses. i am working hard and thoughts about what i have been and what i have been doing, what i am and doing, and what i would like to become and do in the future have been going through my mind a thousand miles an hour and i have been having a hard time keeping track of the now. i need to write and process out all these changes. i am in a completely unfamiliar place, where i don't know where my center or balance are and where i need to be understanding of myself and let myself learn. i need to write it down, process it out, to be able to take it in again in a better form.
new may goals
added Saturday, May 05, 2007it took me a while to cut down these goals to have something humanly possible, plus i was completely exhausted from my trip to las vegas. well, here are my goals. i am hoping that i am not overextending myself, but it took me a little while to try to make them something that won't completely drain me. so here we go:
1. quit smoking
2. daily practice
3. go to yoga class 3 to 4 times a week
4. strength and aerobic exercises 3 to 4 times a week
5. finish teacher training
6. take myself out to a museum, park or do art once a week
7. blog everyday about this new experiment
my main goal is to quit smoking this month and everything else is to help me get there. i have already set the quit date for next friday. so we will see.
lost
added Monday, April 30, 2007i have been feeling pretty lost for the last few weeks on my practice, as well as, my life. i have notice that i have this constant low level anxiety when i don't practice consistently, yet that does not help me to get to the mat everyday, at home or at the studio. i consistently need silence and being alone, yet i don't give it to myself and fill up my time with things that only prolong this feeling. the last couple of days i have been in las vegas for a conference. this place doesn't know silence or calm and in this extreme is where i have noticed the most my need for the silence, being alone, how much i have been off balance and how lost i have felt. yet i have not managed to get myself on the mat, the most i have done is taken long walks in the morning to center myself. i think that tonight, other than packing for my flight tomorrow morning i will sit down and write down what i would like to accomplish in the next month. Most of these will be things i was already thinking about, but only done partially. but i will set my next 30 day challenge. i feel that i am at the cusp of something new in my life, yet i have not managed to move past it. there are bad habits that have stopped me and i need to work through them in order to shake this lost feeling.
