goals for this week

so, i am going to start focusing on certain goals every week. i realized that i tend to beat myself up on what i do not do and forget the many things i do accomplish. So, for next monday i will have completed:

1. school caught up in all the readings... with notes
2. home fix my kitchen christmas lights
3. callscall the long list of people i need to call
4. health go to the gym or yoga everyday...
5. taxes complete and file out my 2008 taxes... i hope i get a lot of money back!

well, i am pooped and i need to sleep

hiding out!

today i got some errands done, went to class and came straight home... i wanted to go to a yoga class, but i really just wanted to head home and practice by myself and check off some things off my list. it was fairly productive. i even managed to finally catch up with all my emails. one of the emails had this link: self-esteem file
i am thinking i will try it. usually the negative or the things i did not accomplish are what stay with me. i use this to criticize and make myself feel worse. for a little while i have been trying to make a list of my 10 best attributes and what ever i come up with i end up giving some excuse of why it is not really my strong attribute. i guess, i should just make that file and not analyze so much...

one victory

in the past couple of days i have been all over the place. between starbucks at 4:30am, appointments with doctors, lawyers, and trying to get people on the phone. still, i have had some victories. one of them was accomplished in the span of 24 hours. i knew that the readmissions deadline at umd college park was on december 1 and that school starts on monday. i figured it won't hurt to try. i will just head there and talk to the people i need to talk to and see what are my options. so i did. i headed to the admissions office and applied to umd in college park for readmission. then convinced the admissions desk person to give me an appointment with the assistant director of readmissions for the next day, since i was being told that it would take at least 10 business days for the office to make a decision. got an official copy of my montgomery college transcript on the same day instead of waiting the standard 5 to 7 business days. met with the readmissions assistant director this afternoon, presented my case on why it was important for me to return to umd now, asked what were my chances to be admitted back for spring 2009. the assistant director looked at my transcript and told me that there was no reason why i should not be readmitted. i had received another degree with a 3.8 and member of phi thetta kappa. it showed academic achievement and when i left i was in good standing. so, as of 4:30pm today i am the newest student at umd college park...

i even met with the assistant director from the arts and humanities department to review my transcript and see what i need to do to take care of a bunch of classes when i was sick! YUPI! i am excited on monday i am heading back to umd after work to have an advisor help me figure out which classes i will be taking. granted i can barely afford my 6 credits, but i will be in the process of finishing my degree! i am a happy woman!

what is interesting is that i have been so scared about returning to school and finishing my ba... creating so many barriers for myself in the past 5 years and in last 24 hours i managed to bring them down... now i just want to work on this, graduate and move to the next chapter of my education.

it is past my bed time... i have to be at starbucks at 5am... fun...

removing blocks

i have been going to a yoga class everyday. i have to say that after 3 days my body doesn't hurt as bad as it did on the first and second day. it is interesting, if feels like another block from my practice was removed. this was finishing my teacher training... YUP! i managed to finally finish it and this past sunday i faxed the information to the yoga alliance. i am in the process of getting certified and insurance. after i completed the assignments it was so much easier to practice at home and head to yoga class everyday.

i am not yet going to the gym everyday, but i have quit smoking. i think this will be another block lifted in fully embracing my dharma. i also applied to get a job at a local gym, where i could teach yoga and the manager informed me that they could train me for a personal trainer certification. this sounds great to me.

a new chapter

so, for the past couple of months i have not written because reason is because i have had a hard time at work and i really did not have the emotional space to write or concentrate on yoga as much as i would like to. my practice was pretty erratic and i picked up smoking too.

well, as of friday, november 21, 2008 at 2pm, i joined the ranks of the unemployed.

in the past couple of days i have felt depressed, angry and lost. i have a hard time eating, a hard time sleeping, a hard time walking out of my apartment. the stigma of being fired (even wrongfully) takes a toll on one's ego and self-esteem . for a while i have known that my path was not in an office pushing through the day, but instead i have hoped that it is in the yoga studio and in the gym teaching people to take care of themselves. that is where i feel secure, safe and most importantly at peace and at home. what is interesting was that working my 9 to 5 job took so much energy out of me that i just did not want to deal with anything after i was done. i stayed because i felt and still feel that it was a good place to create financial stability. i hoped that things would calm down and would find the energy to finish my bachelors degree, spread my wings in yoga, train as a personal trainer and figure out if this was truly my path.

well, although a rough road is ahead of me, i am looking at this as a chance to open myself to the possibilities of these dreams. i have the support of my loved ones. still, part of me is scared and wants to run away and hide. i just have to accept what the present is, live it and create the future.

so, my goals for the next 10 days:

1. daily: yoga class or go to the gym
2. eat well balanced meals
3. sleep 8 hours a night
4. daily hour on my teacher training
5. daily hour on my coaching class.

and finally, report my progress daily to this site.

esteff

expressing our humanity

how do we express our humanity? does the way we express it change the way we live?

i started to watch the wire in this past week. i love it. it is a window into how people express their humanity, their passions, their pain, etc. do they let distractions, like addictions, fears, confusion and environment, get in they way of that is they core. which of these characters know their core, their truth, their home? why? why not? what stops us from reaching our home, our truth our core? can we be happy not tearing off those layers that do not let us see the way clearly or can we numb ourselves to be ok not reaching home?

since my grandfather died friday, 11 april, 2008 i have been feeling lost and confused. what is my truth? my home? my core? i know that when i sit in front of the women at the house of ruth and teach them to breath, how to sit up with out using their hands, i am home. when i sit in at flow yoga center for class or to work at the front desk, i am home. there is no where else i need to be. there is no questions. when i read about physiology and it is so clear to me how vitamins work in our body or what minerals contribute to make our muscles contract and expand. i am home.

yet, i let distractions take me away from these places of clarity, and peace. why is that i do not grasp these places in difficult moments even more?

i guess this is the way i express my humanity.

vacation day 3

so yesterday did not end up as wonderful as i hoped. my new roommate decided to show up in our room at at 10:45pm take her medication, unpack, and get ready for bed. i was already trying to sleep. it did not work with all the lights on and all he noise she was making. then at 3:20am i wake up to the sound of deafening snoring. i stayed in bed trying to breath through it and fall back asleep for an hour. it did not work. at 4:20 am, i just decided to get up and get ready for the day. i did a lot this morning, so that was nice. when i went back to the room after am yoga class and breakfast, the roommate was just getting up after her restful sleep and asked me if she had snored a lot... i told her it was pretty bad and i was awake from 3:20am. she apologized... i though how about getting your own room. i went to my program class keeping the breath in mind. it was an interesting class. we shared on a situation that creates a chronic negative reaction. it was interesting to see everyone's reaction. at the same time i realized how young i must look to everyone in the class and how unimportant my situation is to them. i also thought how much i talk and how i probably say silly things. at the same time i realize that i am being overly critical of myself. also, i am here to learn and i know how that happens for me.

so, today i decided to have an ayuverdic consultation. i was told i am a pitta vatta type and that my dharma is in my throat chakra. where i have my block due to my quitting smoking and that my objective in life is speaking my truth. which is interesting considering what ingrid told me yesterday matches what the consultation brought up.

by the end of the day i managed to get into a new room. a small 2 bed room. as i was unpacking i felt this enormous depression i was trying to control. that somehow i was less worthy. that i did not count because i had to move from the original room. i actually earlier in the day told the registration desk that there was no way i could stay in that room or pay for another room. that my snoring is minor and i cannot sleep at all in my original room and needed either a new roommate, or to be moved. they chose to relocate me to another room where i do not have to pay any extra money, but i might have to move again tomorrow. i made the definition of my boundaries, yet i felt powerless. i found this interesting.

well, it is time for me to sleep. i am exhausted.

vacation day 2

on vacation day 1, i did not manage to figure out that i can not get internet access unless i am in the coffee shop. so, i will have to do the entry now.

i left for kripalu yesterday at 3:55am. ron dropped me off at bwi on his way bak to philly. i had packed lightly (i hate to put anything in check in, so i only take my computer bag and a rolling suitcase a little smaller than the usual required size) ron reminded me that it was my vacation and that i should not think about work or smoking and kissed good bye.

my flight was super cheap so i had to change flights once in cincinnati after 3 hours of waiting. that was no trouble considering that my flight leaving bwi was 45 minutes late and it took me a little time figuring out how to get to the shuttle to my gate. i also discovered that the cincinnati airport has a smoking room on every gate. so, i figured i still had my pack and would have a few cigarettes until i had to leave... well, i nearly missed my flight for that last cigarette. by that time i had convinced myself that it would be ok if i kept the pack a smoked a few at kripalu in secret... no one will know! those deceptive plans were thwarted when i look at my watch and i had to run to the gate in less than a minute before my flight left me... somewhere between the smoking loungue and the gate (a few feet a part) i dropped some earrings and my pack of cigarettes. a very nice girl caught up with me and gave me my earrings, but no one returned my half empty pack of cigarettes... i figure it was fate making sure i did not cheat myself. So, since 10:55am yesterday i have not had a single cigarette. it is not as bad as it sounds, i have been taking chantix, which has brought down my cravings.

so i arrived at kripalu at 2:25pm, went into my dormroom expecting to find at least one roommate, but no one was there. i explored a little and at 4:15 i went to a gentle yoga class. after that i headed to a delicious vegetarian dinner and then to my first meeting in the program: letting go of stress (lgos). i think i am the youngest person there, but still it has been amazing. after sharing what brought us there, i felt very self couscous and vulnerable. specially because i did not say what i had planned to say. instead, the painful past came up, although i thought it was past and done. i guess, i still need to work through it. by 10:30 i was asleep in my bed.

day 2
i woke up at 8am and was not ready until 8:40 to get into the class for lgos. so, i was late and still could have slept some more. we meet in the mornings from 8:30 to 11:45am. my body ached and i missed cigarettes some. still, getting in the class felt right. i was present and enjoyed it. one of the things ingrid said that struck a cord with me was the "disappear is a signal that you are going into a pattern of self-abuse" it is like your soul is telling you that you are not taking care of yourself in a consistent basis. she also spoke about cultivating physical and mental calm and emotional balance thought the breath. she pointed out that the breath provides metal clarity, releases muscle tension and allow us to let go of intense emotions. it was great to hear all put together this way.

that morning we also did a meditation exercise where we moved to our breath and then with a partner we lead the other in movement. i paired up with alan, a middle aged man sitting next to me. to be honest i was a little apprehensive at first: a stranger and a man... scary... then i thought i would just surrender to the experience and see what it brought up for me. it surprised me. when i moved to my breath i was able to listen to my body breath and move. it worked great. working with alan, again i was surprised. we worked great together, we kept our movements simple and graceful and similar to tai chi which allowed us to concentrate on our breaths. we were able to allow each other to lead with out any conflict or communication. and i was even surprised that it felt confronting that at one point we just stopped moving and held hands and it felt completely natural. nothing else was required... we had the flow... i was glad to find out that he felt the same and wanted that same flow feeling to translate into his life.

at 12:30pm i met with ingrid again for a craniosacral therapy session. it was great. i came out feeling amazing and relaxed. she also helped me figure out my blocks and how they are translating into my body. mainly my anger and resentment are in my chest, making my shoulders tight and my resentment is held in my gallbladder making my hips tight. when i react emotionally (anger and resentment) i clench my core, specially the muscle in my hips. she also taught me how to retrain myself to use other muscles in that area and help me release them so my sacrum goes back to alignment. She also spoke about how important my freedom was to me and how i neglect that by not creating clear boundaries and saying i will do something when i do not want to, and my soul rebels... so true... she also told me that i am very insightful about my situations and life, but i have a hard time putting it into practice. that i need to make a break and start make clear steps for respecting my space and needs. that obviously what i have been doing was not enough.

well, it was great to hear all this. it also gave me an idea of where i want to go with the program and what i want to concentrate in. so after our 1:45 to 3:45pm meeting i decided to listen to myself. i headed again to the gentle yoga class, then i went to eat dinner in the silent room. i needed some me time. after all that sharing about our experience with the partner meditation, i needed to recharge. so, after dinner i headed to one of the livingrooms and i read there for an hour and a half while i sipped some tea. i skipped the drum circle group at 7:30pm. i really wanted to sit and write about my experience. i am also thinking about taking a shower tonight and waking up early and heading for the 6:30am gentle yoga class and hopefully, i will find some time tomorrow to upload some pictures into flickr and get a link in here...

i feel at peace...

water

I don't know what troubles you, but I just wanted to let you know that just doing something is better than nothing at all. Just remember, where you have been does not have to determine where you are going. Sometimes all it takes is to let go. Trust me. (Such a cliche, you don't even know me...) I know. I do enjoy your honesty and sincerety. I share the same high expectations and harshness you put on yourself. I place them on myself. What I find is that it has just held me back. I am still working on moving past that. It's often easier said than done. Good luck with your schooling. It took me 10 long years to get my bachelors. I finished but it left me burnt out and with yet another battle. =] Another story for another day. Take care.
Fats Domeeno | 06.24.07 - 1:40 am | #

that was the last comment from fats domeeno. he or she has had pretty right on comments, and even ask that i fix my links to be able to view my previous entries. in some way fats domeeno strikes a cord in her/his comments. what troubles me? do i seem that troubled? maybe i do. i do not what it is that possesses me to only write of my struggles with my practice and life in such a public forum. the truth is that i feel that most good things in the past 10 years i have made them happen. and the process has been like pulling teeth. i can finally admit with certainty that i put a lot of resistance. there is this part of me that resists change and resists authority and facing the unknown with such anger to the point of putting my life to a standstill. i got to see it last week. i could not feel the ground under my feet. i felt like i was under a crashing wave and i had no clue which way was up. today, i think i am closer to the surface. i am letting the tide take me where it needs to go and i am doing a little pedaling where i need to get me to air. my problem is knowing when to stop pedaling and finding the balance on when and what it is ok to let go and when and what i need to keep a grip on.

how did i figure this out? a weekend of a lot of silence, good night sleep, hourly breathing and meditation, small yoga practices through out the day. today is really when i have felt truly centered. this morning i woke up and practiced yoga for 15 minutes and topped it with a 5 minute meditation. had a healthy breakfast and ate my five meals. at 6 i was at the gym for a 25 minute run. i got home feeling a great sense of peace and finally my bad cold starting to recede. i got home and ate a protein filled tortilla with scrambled eggs, cheese, spinach and tomatoes.... yummy! i can say that tonight i feel fulfilled. my issues at work are not gone. i still have to decide how i am going to deal with it, but i know that the decision does not need to be made now. the more centered and grounded i am the easier the answer will come. i even think i already know the gut answer, i just want to give it some time.

i want to be yoga, the eight limbs, and i find i am very good at creating more own pain and suffering. i know yoga is my home, but i am most familiar with the suffering.

a visit to kripalu

this week i bought my plane ticket and registered to go to a workshop in kripalu. i am so excited! i am also nervous. i have been thinking about going for the past couple of months, but now it is set. part of the reason for me to go is so i will be in a completely different place, with a different routine so i can finally quit smoking. also, they had a great workshop during my spring break that i think would be perfect for my intention for the trip. it is titled "let go of stress." which, like i said, is perfect, since in my previous attempts at quitting smoking not having alternative methods to deal with my self-imposed stress have taken me back to the cigarettes. i have been smoking for so long and actually felt trapped by the feeling of not being able to quit that i know it is going to be tough to quit again. i am hoping that this time will be it.

other than that i am house and pet sitting for my parents. they have 2 beautiful dogs, 2 amazing cats and decided to take in my birds when i was going to put them up for adoption. so, i am taking care of them for the next couple of days while my parents are enjoying the sun in st thomas. i was a little bummed i was going to leave my place, my routine, projects and cancel a couple of meetings with friends for a the days i am here, but decided to look at it in another light. instead, i will take this time to reassess my huge list of projects, relax and catch up on school and yoga studying. so far it has worked great.

here is a picture of baby ari (he is 6 months old) being curious about the noises that come out of the camera and a picture of sasha (she is 3 years old) being a sleepy head in middle of day: